Four years ago I read the Iliad for the first time. I somehow made it through high school and college without tackling the massive epic poem, so I figured my 30th birthday was as good a time as any to start. I picked up a copy of Robert Fagles' translation, bought a cheap membership to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and started reading in their massive Greek sculpture room, the one with the fountain and a bunch of stone benches.

Just for fun, I decided to write silly little summaries for each of the chapters (or books, as they're called in the text). Every day I sent my friend Ben an email with my progress. By the end of something like 40 days, I had completed all 24 books.

I found those emails earlier this week, and I had fun perusing my summaries. I also wanted to try something new -- updating this site every day for two weeks. I won't be posting new blog pages every day, but instead I'll be updating this specific page between now and next Friday. Each day I'll add summaries for two more books in the Iliad. So check back here tomorrow for more summaries!

For those of you who don't quite remember (or never read it), the Iliad is an epic poem by Homer. It's about the Trojan War, and more specifically about Achilles. Other key players are King Agamemnon (an Achaean, or Greek) and Hector (a Trojan). Oh, and the gods, of course -- all of the numerous gods.

So let's get to it. To make navigating this page a little easier, I'm going to create anchor links so you can jump ahead to wherever you leave off. Think of this as the table of contents for this page.

Book 1
Book 2
Book 3
Book 4
Book 5
Book 6
Book 7
Book 8
Book 9
Book 10
Book 11
Book 12
Book 13
Book 14

The poem begins by explaining why Achilles is so upset with King Agamemnon. Goes a little like this: Agamemnon stole Chryses' daughter, Chryseis (imaginative name there, Chryses -- however did you come up with it?), and has kept her captive. I'm thinking this is some sort of sex-slave situation? Anyway, Chryses isn't too happy about this (understandably so), so he calls on Apollo to help him out. Apollo, in turn, rages against Agamemnon's kingdom -- animals, men, and everything in between. For nine days Apollo goes on this rampage until Achilles finally stands up and is like, "Yo, why's Apollo so mad at us?" and Calchas, a seer, says, "I'll tell you, but you've gotta promise to protect me." Achilles says, "Sure, whatever. It's not like it's Agamemnon's fault," and Calchas is like, "Funny you should say that..." Then Agamemnon, who's been hiding in the crowd the whole time, shows himself and says, "Okay, okay! Even though I like Chryseis better than my wife, I'll give her back. But get me some good treasure to take her place, or I'll take someone else's wife." At which point Achilles goes, "Hold up. I'm tired of doing all your hard work, only for you to get all the good stuff. The Trojans aren't my enemy -- YOU are." The two of them get into a spat. Achilles calls Agamemnon "dog-face[d]." Eventually, Agamemnon says he's going to take Achilles' own captive woman (sex slave?), and Achilles is like, "I'm out. Good luck facing Hector. You'll be sorry you pissed me off," and he leaves.

Sure enough, Agamemnon sends two goons to take Briseis, Achilles' captive woman. Achilles hands her over without putting up a fight. His message to Agamemnon: "Don't expect me to ever help you again, ever." With Briseis gone, he asks his mom, Thetis (a god), for help. She comes down and says (and this is a direct quote), "O my son, my sorrow, why did I ever bear you? / All I bore was doom..." which isn't exactly the pick-me-up Achilles needs. But Achilles asks her to talk to Zeus, and she says she'll do her best.

Meanwhile, Odysseus returns Chryseis to Chryses, and Chryses is all, "We're cool!" and Apollo calls off the rain of deadly arrows. But Achilles is still pissed.

Thetis talks to Zeus. He owes her a favor for a time she defended him, so he tells her he'll help the Trojans, even though it's gonna upset his wife, Hera. Hera finds out about Thetis & Zeus' conspiracy, and they have a fun little back-and-forth. She tells Zeus (another direct quote here), "Always your pleasure, whenever my back is turned, / to settle things in your grand clandestine way." I love it. But anyway, by the end of Book 1 Hera has backed off a little bit, and her and Zeus go to bed, sleeping side-by-side.

Opens with Zeus coming up with a plan to slaughter a bunch of Achaeans (or Greeks): He sends Agamemnon a dream to attack Troy, thus sending a great number of Greeks to their death. Agamemnon wakes up and gathers a TON of chiefs and soldiers together. As a test, he says to everyone gathered, "Look, we've been fighting this war for 9 years now. Let's go home." And everyone's all, "Fuck yeah! Time to go home!" until Hera comes in and says, "Not so fast." So Athena sends a message to Odysseus, and he stands before the crowd and says, "Yo! This is a test! Don't fail it." And everyone, dejected, comes back and gets ready to fight some more. Everyone, that is, except for Thersites, who's this prick no one likes. So Odysseus lays the smack down on Thersites in front of everyone, and they all laugh at Thersites. Then Odysseus says, "I know we've been here 9 years, but Calchas said we'd win in the 10th year, so we're almost there." That rallies the troops, as does a speech by Agamemnon when he's all, "Get ready for some motherfuckin' WAR!"

After Agamemnon gives his "Get ready for some motherfuckin' WAR!" speech, all the soldiers celebrate with a feast. Everyone's psyched to fight, and Homer asks the Muses to help him name all the people who were there ready to fight. This is a list that goes on for 9 pages. 9 pages of names, where they're from, and how many ships/men they controlled. It was long and boring and full of names I didn't know how to pronounce. I guess part of the reason why this list is so exhaustive is to highlight the fact that just about everyone is there except for Achilles. But Jesus -- this is a long list. After those 9 pages, we shift to the Trojans: Iris warns Priam, the Trojan king, of the impending Achaeans, so then all the Trojans assemble. Thankfully, there are only two pages cataloging all of them. And that's how Book 2 ends, with the two sides geared up for war.

The two armies are now about to meet. But before fighting breaks out, Paris (a Trojan) jumps out and is like, "Look. I'll fight your best warrior one-on-one." Menelaus (whose wife, Helen, is the one Paris stole), stands up and says, "Okay, let's dance." But Paris is scared, so he runs back into the throng of Trojans. To which one of his brothers, Hector, says (and this is a direct quote), "Would to god that you'd never been born, died unwed. / That's all I'd ask. Better that way by far," which probably isn't going to earn him a Brother of the Year award. Hector goes on to call Paris a coward, and Paris admits that he is, but he eventually agrees to fight Menelaus. The winner will keep Helen. Hector likes this plan, as does Menelaus, but he wants Priam (their dad, and also the king of Troy) to be there to witness this. Hector makes Paris swear that, should he lose (which, it seems, everyone knows he will) he'll return Helen to Menelaus. So Iris goes to fetch Priam. Helen hears of this, and she goes to watch the fight next to Priam. Priam exchanges some words with Agamemnon, praising him for his army. Right before Menelaus and Paris are about to fight, Priam says he's leaving -- he can't watch his son die. He says, "Zeus knows, no doubt, and every immortal too, / which fighter is doomed to end all this in death." So Priam leaves, and the two soldiers gear up for their fight. They fight, and right as Menelaus is about to win, Aphrodite swoops in and takes Paris back home. 

This is when Book 3 gets interesting (for me). After saving Paris, Aphrodite talks to Helen and tells her, "Paris is waiting for you in his bedroom -- and boy, does he look good! You'd never know he was just in a fight." Helen, upset about what just happened, tells her, "If you like him so much, why don't YOU go sleep with him?" Aphrodite, none too pleased by this response, threatens Helen, to which Helen agrees to go back and visit Paris. When she does, she finds him in bed. She pulls up a stool, sits down next to him, and gives him some real Grade-A sass about being a coward. To which he says, "Don't be mean to me. I'll beat Menelaus tomorrow. For now, let's fuck! I want you more than I've ever wanted you." And then she sleeps with him! And while they're doing that, we shift scenes to Menelaus walking among the Trojan army, looking for Paris. Pretty fucked up. Book 3 ends with Agamemnon saying to the Trojans: "Look, Menelaus clearly won, so give Helen back."

We open in Olympus, where Zeus says that Menelaus won the fight against Paris. He also tells Hera not to get in the way of his plan, and she's all, "I'm not gonna try to stop you if you want to destroy my cities." Those cities being Argos and Sparta. But Hera and Zeus agree that the Trojans should be the ones to break the cease-fire after the fight, so Athena goes down and, disguised as a soldier, convinces a Trojan archer to take a shot at Menelaus. The archer does so, but Athena deflects the arrow so it hits Menelaus in his leg. This really pisses Agamemnon off, and, in what I imagine to be a very Saving Private Ryan-esque scene, he says to Menelaus, "I won't leave you here to die!" There's a funny moment right after this, when Menelaus responds, "Whoa, calm down. I'm fine. It's not fatal." But then Agamemnon gets a healer to come and fix up Menelaus' wound. 

Meanwhile, the Trojans are all gearing up to fight, and Agamemnon is spurring on his army by calling out individuals and insulting them, saying things like, "You're nowhere near the man your father was." He does this for about four pages -- it's a strange tactic. But I guess it works, because the Achaeans seem pretty ready to fight by the end of it. So the two armies meet and they fight and there's tons of carnage. The last few pages of Book 4 are play-by-plays of some particularly gruesome moments. Apollo is yelling at the Trojans to get their shit together, and Athena is cheering on the Achaeans. We end on an image of dead bodies strewn all over the place.

"Grant" -- that's the verb Homer uses. (Or, well, Fagles translating Homer.) Athena grants Diomedes strength and daring. Diomedes is an Achaean (obvi, since Athena is helping him), and he goes nuts on the Trojans. Meanwhile, Athena talks to Ares and she's all, "Hey, let's stay out of this war, huh?" Ares agrees.

There are some really graphic deaths in Book 5. The most graphic descriptions yet. At one point, someone "lopped away the massive bulk of Hypsenor's arm. / The bloody arm dropped to the earth, and the red death / came plunging down his eyes, and the strong force of fate." At another point, Diomedes kills two brothers: "he ripped the dear life out of both and left their father / tears and wrenching grief." Dark stuff.

At one point, Pandarus, the same archer who hit Menelaus a book or two ago, hits Diomedes in the shoulder. Diomedes asks Athena for help, and she gives him even more strength, plus the ability to see who's a mortal and who's a god. She tells him to avoid all the gods except Aphrodite. 

Diomedes continues to rampage. He eventually meets up with Pandarus, and he's all, "Do you feel lucky, punk?" to which Pandarus says, "This isn't fair. You must have a god helping you. I just want to go home. My weapon is useless." Aeneas, a fellow Trojan, says, "No talk of going home -- focus on the fight!" The two of them decide to team up and rush Diomedes. In a moment reminiscent of a bad Saturday morning cartoon, Pandarus says to Diomedes, quote, "So, / my arrow failed to bring you down, my tearing shot? / Now for a spear -- we'll see if this can kill you!" And it doesn't kill him, of course. Instead, Diomedes throws his spear at Pandarus and "it split the archer's nose between the eyes-- / it cracked his glistening teeth, the tough bronze / cut off his tongue at the roots, smashed his jaw / and the point came ripping out beneath his chin." Aeneas then tries to guard Pandarus' body, but Diomedes throws a boulder at him (!). The only reason Aeneas doesn't die is because Aphrodite swoops in and protects him. But since Diomedes can see gods now, he rushes Aphrodite and stabs her in the wrist. She flies back to Olympus, but Apollo comes in to protect Aeneas. 

Aphrodite, hurt, runs to her mom, Dione. Dione asks what's wrong, and Aphrodite tells her. Then Dione says, "Don't worry. Diomedes and his family will get what's coming to them." Then Zeus tells Aphrodite to stick to love & marriage and leave war for the other gods.

Back on earth, Diomedes charges Apollo. Right before he strikes, Apollo tells Diomedes to reconsider what he's doing. And in that moment, when Diomedes pauses, Apollo takes Aeneas away, heals him, and asks Ares to go down and take care of Diomedes. So Ares goes down and disguises himself as a human to start riling up the Trojan army. Hector gets into action. Meanwhile, Agamemnon and the Archaeans are standing their ground. There's some fighting. Then Ares backs Hector. Diomedes notices this, and for the first time in this book he's scared. The Achaeans start to backtrack. Ares and Hector are completely in control at this point. So Hera says to Athena, "We've gotta do something to stop them." Hera asks Zeus for permission to stop Ares, and he tells her to let Athena fight Ares. 

Hera disguises herself as Stentor and tells the Achaeans they're disgraceful, that this wouldn't be happening if Achilles were there. Meanwhile, Athena finds Diomedes and calls him short. (It's a weird moment.) She also tells him to go attack the Trojans. And he's like, "Whoa, whoa. You told me not to fight any of the gods except for Aphrodite, but Ares is here." And Athena says, "Right. Nevermind what I said -- take him on." So they charge Ares, and Diomedes' spear hits Ares in the gut, so he leaves and returns to Olympus. Ares asks Zeus why he [Zeus] never stops Athena, and Zeus answers, "I really don't like you, but you're my son, so I'll heal you." He does, and Hera & Athena return to Olympus. End of Book 5.

With the gods all up on Olympus, the humans are fending for themselves. The Achaeans are gaining the upper-hand, so Helenus, a Trojan seer, tells Hector to rally the troops. He also tells Hector to go back to Troy and make a sacrifice for Athena to pity Troy. Hector gives a speech, then leaves.

Meanwhile, Diomedes and Glaucus meet for battle, and Diomedes is all, "You sure you want to fuck with me?" So Glaucus goes into this long backstory of how he got here, but the gist is: He's a human, not backed by a god. At some point, they realize they have a shared past, so they make a pact not to kill each other. Instead, they trade armor, though Glaucus loses out in this deal. (I think Diomedes hoodwinks him or something? This part is a bit confusing/unclear to me.)

So Hector returns to Troy and he tells all the women to start praying to the gods. The women do, but Athena's totally not listening to them. While Athena is ignoring their prayers, Hector goes to talk to Paris and calls him (Paris) a disgrace. Paris says, "Yes, yes, it's true. But I'm ready to fight!" While Paris gets ready, Hector goes home to visit his wife. However, he can't find her at home, and he starts to panic. One of the servants says she was worried about him, so she went to the gates of Troy. Hector rushes to the gates where he finally finds her. Andromache (that's her name) calls Hector a fool. She says that he never thinks of her and their son, and that when (not "if," but "when") he dies in battle, she'll be all alone. She ends her speech by asking him to stay home. He says that he's worried about her, too, but that he can't be a coward. Right before he leaves, he tries to reach for his son, and the son cowers away. Then (and this is a really weird moment) the two of them laugh about this. Here's the text:

In the same breath, shining Hector reached down
for his son -- but the boy recoiled...
...and his loving father laughed,
his mother laughed as well

After they part, Andromache goes home and immediately starts mourning for Hector. Meanwhile, Paris has met up with Hector, and they're all, "Let's do this."

Paris and Hector return to the battlefield, and everyone is happy to see them. The Trojans, spirits rejuvenated, start kicking ass. Athena sees this and rushes to go down to help the Achaeans, but Apollo interrupts her and says, "Can't we stop the fighting for today?" Athena asks how, and Apollo says that they should have Hector fight one of the Achaeans one-on-one. Athena agrees, and Helenus, the Trojan seer, receives the message from Apollo and passes it on to Hector. Helenus adds, "But you're safe -- it's not your time to die." 

So Hector gets up and tells the Achaeans that he'll take on their bravest fighter. Winner gets the loser's armor, but the dead body goes back to the loser's side. None of the Achaeans volunteer to fight, so Menelaus says, "All right, you cowards, I'll go." But Agamemnon stops him: "Actually, bro, sit this one out. Hector is stronger than you, and I don't want you to die." Next, Nestor stands up and is like, "If I were younger, I'd totally go. You youngins should be ashamed of yourselves." Then he recounts a time when he was young and brave. After Nestor's story, nine men volunteer. They draw straws (or mark stones), and Great Ajax's stone gets picked. He's all, "Sweet!" while everyone prays to Zeus for Ajax. Ajax looks ready, and Hector starts to get scared. Ajax says, "I'm here to show you what the Achaeans are made of!" and Hector responds: "Shut up." 

The two of them go at it: spears, lances, boulders (again with the boulders). But right as Hector is about to lose the fight, two messengers come in and break up the fight since it's getting dark. Ajax says he won't stop fighting unless Hector is the one to call an end to the fight, and then Hector's like, "Yeah, we should probably wrap this up for today." The two sides part, and the Achaeans go feast and come up with some tactics for the next day.

In Troy, one of Priam's councilors, Antenor, says that they should return Helen since they (the Trojans) were the ones to break the truce earlier. Paris hears this and is like, "Dude, you are out of your mind. I'll return the treasure -- hell, I'll give them more treasure -- but I'm keeping Helen." And Priam says, "Let's just remain watchful tonight. Tomorrow morning, we can tell the Achaeans about Paris' offer."

The next morning, Idaeus, a Trojan messenger, delivers Paris' offer. Diomedes sees this as a sign that the Trojans must be on the brink of defeat, so Agamemnon declines the offer and says they're gonna fight. But before fighting resumes, both sides collect the dead bodies from the day before and burn them. Then the Achaeans continue to plot. Meanwhile, up on Olympus, Poseidon says to Zeus, "Can you believe the Achaeans are being so open about their plans like this?" And Zeus is like, "Whatever. Foil their plans if you want." While the two sides feast and get ready to fight, Zeus continues to scheme.

We open on Olympus, where Zeus gathers all the gods together and tells them, "Look, everyone just stay out of this, okay?" The gods are surprised, but they agree. Zeus goes back to his throne to watch. On Earth, the two sides start gearing up, and then they fight. Diomedes and Nestor try to rush Hector, but Zeus sends a thunderbolt that startles Nestor, so their attack misses. Nestor takes this as a sign that Zeus has favored Hector and they should back off, but Diomedes is worried Hector will call him a coward. Nestor is like, "You? A coward? After everyone you killed yesterday?" But instead of calling him a coward, Hector calls Diomedes a girl. Hector also realizes that he has Zeus' support, so he tells everyone, "We got this!"

Back on Olympus, Hera asks Poseidon, "How can you sit back and let this happen?" Poseidon answers: "Cause I don't wanna fuck with Zeus." So Hera does some cheerleading from afar by getting Agamemnon to rouse his troops. He does so by calling all of them shameful braggarts who can talk the talk but can't walk the walk. He asks Zeus to protect his men, and Zeus feels kind of bad. The Achaeans are now ready to go.

Now it's the Achaeans' turn to start kicking ass. Agamemnon praises Teucer, an archer, for all his good work, but it's a weird moment because in the middle of his praise he makes a point to mention that Teucer is a bastard. As in an actual bastard -- he didn't have a father growing up. Strange thing to mention while you praise someone, Agamemnon. Anyway, Teucer thanks Ag for the praise, but he's like, "Even I can't stop Hector." He fires two arrows at Hector, but they both get deflected and hit other people. Hector throws a boulder (again!) at Teucer, and Ajax protects him so he doesn't die.

All of this makes the Achaeans retreat. This causes Hera to ask Athena: "What are we gonna do????" And Athena, sounding a bit like a teenager, goes: "Ugh! Dad is so frustrating! I wish I never saved his son Heracles all those times. But okay -- get the chariot ready, cause we're gonna go down there." They leave, but Zeus sees them go and he sends a messenger after them. The messenger catches up with them and relays his message: "Come back, or I'll fuck you guys up good." It's funny, because we hear this message twice -- once from Zeus himself, and then once from the messenger. And the second time, the messenger adds a little bit that Zeus didn't say:

You,
you insolent brazen bitch -- you really dare
to shake that monstrous spear in Father's face?

Hera says they should go back, so they do. When they return to Olympus, they're sad, and Zeus gives them some sass: "Why the long faces?" Athena gives her dad the silent treatment, and Hera says that they'll only offer the Achaeans tactics. Zeus says, "Go for it! Nothing can stop Hector except for Achilles!"

Back on Earth, it's night, and Hector gives a speech to his men: "Keep watch on the Achaeans and make sure they don't sail away in the dark. Also, watch the city walls to make sure they don't try to sneak in. Tomorrow, we slaughter them." The Trojans are in good spirits and eagerly await the dawn.

While the Trojans peacefully sleep, the Achaeans are not so calm. Agamemnon gathers his commanders together and tells them that Zeus must've lied to him about the whole "you can totally destroy Troy" dream he sent him at the beginning of book 2. Agamemnon suggests they cut their losses and return home. Diomedes objects: "You have no courage. Go home if you want, but I'm gonna stay here and fight!" Nestor's all, "Right on, Diomedes!" and then starts talking tactics. (Nestor is totally Mr. Tactics -- he's the man with the plans. It seems like Nestor doesn't know how to talk about anything other than tactics.)

Nestor says to Agamemnon, "Okay, so, you're probably not gonna like this, but we should try to win Achilles back." And Agamemnon says, "Okay, fine, you're right. I'll offer him this huge bounty, plus seven women from Lesbos, PLUS I'll return Briseis and promise him I didn't sleep with her. On top of that, if we sack Troy, he can be the first person to loot it and take all the treasure he wants. Oh, and he can also marry one of my daughters, and I'll give him this super impressive dowry. I'm willing to give him all of this stuff, so long as he stops being angry at me." Nestor's like, "Whoa. Sweet deal. No one could possibly say no to that." So they drink in celebration.

Ajax and Odysseus go talk to Achilles. When they find him, he's singing songs on the lyre, hanging out with Patroclus. There's a pretty funny line here. "...the envoys stood before him. Achilles, startled, / sprang to his feet." I just like the image of him being surprised to see them. So Achilles darts up and is like, "Wow, you guys must really need my help." He fixes food and drink for Ajax and Odysseus, then Odysseus gets to it: "We're in bad shape. Hector and the Trojans are strong. So do you think you can help us? Oh, and remember that time when your dad told you to forgive your friends? Yeah. Oh, and here's what Agamemnon is willing to give you." Odysseus then rattles off the huge list. Then he ends his plea by saying: "Even if you still hate Agamemnon, do it for all the glory you'd get."

Achilles responds: "No. And you know why? Because we're all gonna die, coward or not." (Here's what he actually says, since I like these lines: "The same honor waits / for the coward and the brave. They both go down to Death...") He goes on: "Agamemnon has always taken the things I've earned. Well, let him have Briseis. Why are we even fighting the Trojans? Tomorrow I'm collecting all the wealth I've amassed and I'm sailing home. [Side-note: I might have said in one of my earlier summaries that Achilles went home. I think I misunderstood this. He's not home home, he's just away from the fighting somewhere in his own little encampment. I think.] So go back to Agamemnon and tell him I say no, never, ever, ever. Oh, and I'm not gonna marry one of his daughters. There are plenty of ladies back home I can wed without his help. My one and only life isn't worth any amount of treasure." Or, in his words:

Cattle and fat sheep can all be had for the raiding,
tripods all for the trading, and tawny-headed stallions.
But a man's life breath cannot come back again--
no raiders in force, no trading brings it back,
once it slips through a man's clenched teeth.

After Achille's speech, Phoenix, an old mentor of Achilles' and the person who drove Ajax and Odysseus in the chariot, bursts into tears. He's like, "What??? After all this, you're just going to leave us alone to die???" He then goes into this story from his past about a time when he didn't forgive someone and how it came back to haunt him. Phoenix then says, "I could never have a son of my own, so I considered you my son. Look, even the gods can change their minds about people -- can't you? Don't say no, Achilles. Fight!"

And Achilles says, "Phoenix, don't try to earn favors from Agamemnon. The dude's a fool. But you're cool, so why don't you stay here tonight and rest?" Ajax turns to Odysseus and is like, "Well, I guess we should head back and deliver the bad news." But before they leave, Ajax asks Achilles, "Why are you so fixated on one girl? We're offering you seven others!" And Achilles says, "It's Agamemnon's arrogance that offends me. I won't fight until Hector reaches this spot."

When Ajax and Odysseus return, everyone is eager to hear the news. Odysseus says, "He said no, and he threatened to return home tomorrow. He suggested we do the same." Everyone is shocked. Then Diomedes says to Agamemnon, "You hurt his pride. So, tomorrow, you should rally and fight at the front of the line." Everyone agrees, and they go to sleep.

The Achaeans are sleeping by their ships, but Agamemnon has insomnia. He's worried about the Trojans. So he gets up and decides to talk to Nestor and figure out a plan. While he's doing that, Menelaus is also having trouble sleeping, so he gets up. Menelaus finds his brother outside and asks him what he's doing up. Agamemnon says, "We need tactics. Hector is too strong." He tells Menelaus to go wake up some men.

Agamemnon goes to visit Nestor. Nestor's all, "Who's there?" and Agamemnon is like, "Dude, don't you recognize me? But look, let's get someone to check on our sentry and see if they're still up." Nestor agrees, and he suggests they wake up Odysseus, Diomedes, Ajax, etc. -- the Avengers of the Iliad.

Nestor decides to rouse Odysseus first. He does so by shouting "Wake up!" right in Odysseus' face. (Subtle.) Next he goes to Diomedes, whom he kicks in the chest to awaken. (Nestor could learn some bedside manners.) Diomedes even asks Nestor: "Yo, why'd you wake me up so harshly?" To which Nestor replies, "There's no time! Get up!"

With the Avengers assembled, they visit their sentries and see that everyone is still awake. Nestor tells them to keep up the good work, then gets to what he does best: tactics. "If someone could do some recon and figure out the Trojans' plan -- wow, that person sure would get a lot of honor!" So Diomedes volunteers. He asks to bring Odysseus along with him. The two of them gear up and they leave.

In Troy, Hector and his team are also awake. He says to them, "I'll bestow a great wealth to anyone who will do some recon on the Achaeans to see if they plan to flee or to fight." Dolon, a Trojan scout, volunteers. It's very weird, though: Homer makes a point, as Dolon volunteers, to mention that he's ugly. "He was rich in bronze, rich in bars of gold, / no feast for the eyes but lightning on his feet." Anyway, Dolon's all "I'l go! I'll go!" Hector's like, "Cool. You do this, and you get glory for life." So Dolon is off.

Odysseus sees Dolon coming, so he and Diomedes hide in a pile of dead bodies and let Dolon pass by them. Then they chase after him. Diomedes says, "Halt! Or I'll spear ya!" and Odysseus asks Dolon what he's doing there. Dolon says, "Hector sent me to spy on you guys." There's another page or so of interrogation as Dolon reveals all the info he knows. He ends by saying, "King Rhesus has some pretty sweet armor. But hey, so what are you guys going to do with me?" And Odysseus is like, "Oh, you know: Kill you." So Diomedes cuts Dolon's head off.

Odysseus and Diomedes continue to a Trojan outpost where they find Rhesus and his men sleeping. Odysseus says to Diomedes, "Let's see what you can do." Athena grants Diomedes strength, and Diomedes kills 13 men on his own -- the last of which is Rhesus. The two Achaeans steal the horses and armor and head back to camp.

When they return, everyone is happy to see them. Nestor asks where they found their sweet ride, and Odysseus says, "We got them from the 13 Trojans Diomedes killed." The Achaeans laugh and cheer. Odysseus and Diomedes bathe and feast in the name of Athena.

This one is pretty gruesome. There have been some violent passages in the other books, but this one feels the most violent yet. Here's what happens:

Dawns comes, and Zeus sends Strife down to the Achaeans, which makes them want to fight, not flee. Agamemnon dresses up in his best (and most intimidating) gear. The Achaeans get in position, and Zeus tries to intimidate them by raining blood. (I don't think this is meant to be a metaphor -- it sounds like he literally makes blood rain down on the Achaean soldiers.)

Meanwhile, the Trojans gather around Hector. Then both sides go at it, determined not to give up. Zeus watches the carnage. They fight all morning. Agamemnon and the Achaeans are doing well. At one point Agamemnon kills someone by "slashing off his arms with a sword... / [and] sent him rolling through the carnage like a log." Later that same stanza, Homer mentions that the

Trojans dropped in flight,
stampedes of massive stallions dragged their empty chariots
clattering down the passageways of battle, stallions
yearning to feel their masters' hands at the reins
but there they lay, sprawled across the field,
craved far more by the vultures than by wives.

Anyway, Zeus sees that Ag is on a roll, so he keeps Hector away from the front lines. While Agamemnon charges the gates of Troy, Zeus sends Iris down with a message for Hector: "Stand your ground. As soon as you're wounded, I'll give you the strength to kill a bunch of Achaeans." Hector tells his troops to stand their ground, even though Agamemnon is going nuts -- he's a real killing machine in this book. At one point, though, he gets stabbed below the elbow. He continues to rage until his wound stops bleeding -- that's when he feels the pain of his injury and retreats back to his ship.

Hector sees Agamemnon leaving, so he tells his men to go full-force on the Achaeans. Now it's Hector's time to shine. In the middle of the fighting, Odysseus asks Diomedes what they should do. Diomedes replies, "I'm gonna fight, but it looks like Zeus favors the Trojans, not us." So Odysseus and Diomedes go to town while all the other Achaeans catch their breath. Hector heads their way, and Diomedes is all, "Brace yourself!" He throws a spear at Hector's head, but it only makes him faint? The spear "never grazed firm flesh," but the text says:

Hector rejoined his men
and sinking down onto one knee, propped himself
with a strong hand planted against the earth--
and the world went black as night across his eyes.

Which is usually Homer's way of saying someone dies, but here he very clearly doesn't die. Instead, Diomedes shouts, "I'll get you next time!" Paris then fires an arrow at Diomedes and it his Diomedes in the foot. Paris is like, "Damn! If only I hit you in the gut!" and Diomedes' response to Paris is one of my favorite responses in the entire poem (so far):

"So brave with your bow and arrows -- big bravado --
glistening lovelocks, roving eye for girls!
Come, try me in combat, weapons hand-to-hand--
bow and spattering shafts will never help you then.
You scratch my foot and you're vaunting all the same--
but who cares? A woman or idiot boy could wound me so.

After Paris (wisely) declines the offer to fight one-on-one, Diomedes goes back to his ship to heal. That leaves Odysseus pretty much on his own. He takes a moment to wonder if he should stay and fight or run away. Ultimately, he decides to stay and fight. He wards off a bunch of Trojans, until Socus is like, "Pretty good, Odysseus. Pretty, pretty good. But let's see if you can take me down." Socus stabs Odysseus, but Athena makes sure it's not a fatal wound. Enraged, Odysseus kills Socus.

Menelaus hears Odysseus' cry when he got stabbed, so he sends Ajax to check on Odysseus. When Ajax arrives, he swoops in to help out and the Trojans scatter -- but not before Ajax kills a few of them. 

Elsewhere, Hector is still kicking ass. Paris fires an arrow and wounds Machaon, who is the Achaean healer. Nestor takes Machaon back to the ships. More fighting ensues.

Achilles is watching all of this from his ship, and he thinks it's time for the Achaeans to grovel at his feet. So he sends Patroclus to see if it was really Machaon who got hurt -- if so, then he figures they'll really need his help.

Patroclus goes to Nestor's tent, where he and Machaon are resting. Nestor asks why Achilles cares about Machaon so much when ALL of the Achaeans are injured by this point. "How long is he gonna wait to help?" he wonders. Then Nestor reminisces about his younger days, when he was full of glory. This goes one for about five pages. At the end, he says to Patroclus: "Try talking to Achilles. You might be able to convince him to fight. If nothing else, let him have YOU fight in his armor, so the Trojans will think Achilles is here."

On his way back to Achilles' ship, Patroclus sees all the wounded soldiers. He asks Eurypylus, a Greek soldier, if there's any hope for victory, and Eurypylus responds, "Nope. No hope. None whatsoever. We're boned." Patroclus helps heal Eurypylus' wound, and that's the end of Book 11.

The fighting continues. Suddenly, we flash-forward to after the war is over. Homer mentions that then -- and only then -- will Apollo and Poseidon topple the great wall that the Achaeans have built as a last line of defense. But for now, the wall still stands and the Achaeans are up against it.

Hector is a whirlwind of destruction. He forms five consolidated battalions, and sends them toward the wall. The Achaeans protect themselves as best they can, which means a lot of rock-hurling. Two Achaeans in particular, Polypoetes and Leonteus, stand their ground and kill a bunch of Trojans. This makes the stronger Trojans in the rear halt their advance. Polydamas, a Trojan, sees an eagle drop a serpent, and he interprets this as a sign that they should stop their attack. Hector's like, "Bird-signs??! Are you shitting me? I'm gonna listen to Zeus, not some fuckin' birds. You're a coward, and I should kill you now."

So the Trojans rush the wall and try to tear it down. One of Zeus' sons, a Trojan named Sarpedon, is all, "Let's go! Either our enemies win glory or we do!" Sarpedon and his pal Glaucus charge forward. Great Ajax hurls a rock meant for Sarpedon, but it kills someone else instead. Teucer, the Achaean archer, hits Glaucus with an arrow. Glaucus retreats, but Sarpedon keeps fighting. He even manages to tear a hole in the wall. So Ajax and Teucer team up to stop Sarpedon, but Zeus protects his son so he won't die. 

It's a pretty even match between the two sides until Zeus grants Hector more glory. Hector tells his troops to throw fire at the Achaeans' ships. Then he hurls a boulder at the gates of the Achaean wall, which bursts it open. Hector says, "Charge!" and they do. The Achaeans have nowhere to go.

Now that the Trojans have reached the Achaean ships, Zeus stops paying attention. He figures he's got this one in the bag. But Poseidon is still watching, and he feels bad for the Achaeans, so he goes down to Earth to help them out. He disguises himself as Calchas and gives the two Ajaxs (Great Ajax and Little Ajax) a message: "Fight! This is the one spot you should worry about. If you fight and don't retreat, then you can push Hector back, no matter how much Zeus helps him." Poseidon then grants them super strength and leaves. Little Ajax is all, "No way was that actually Calchas. It was a god. I now feel super courageous." Great Ajax agrees: "I feel it, too! Like I could take on Hector one-on-one."

Poseidon goes on to boost Achaean morale, which is understandably low. It works, and the Achaeans band together to form a huge human wall. Hector sees them, and he tells his troops to go at it. So the two sides fight (again... again... and always, forever, because this poem is so goddamn long). At one point, Homer mentions that the reason Poseidon fights in secret is because Zeus is his older -- and more powerful -- brother. 

There's a chain-like effect to the fighting: Person A kills person B, so person C comes along to avenge Person B. Person C harms/kills person A, which sends person D in to avenge Person A. Person D harms/kills person C, which sends Person E in to avenge person C... And so forth. I'll spare you the names, because there are a lot. But that's the basic pattern.

I feel like one death/event that might come into play later is when Deiphobus, a Trojan, kills Ares' son, Ascalaphus. But Ares doesn't notice this... FOR NOW. (Or maybe ever. Who knows?)

But so fighting fighting fighting. Eventually, Menelaus kills a few people. He shouts to the Trojans, "The only way you're going home is as corpses! You stole my wife for no reason." He continues his little mini-rampage. But Hector is still the stronger force, and he's still going at it, unaware of the Achaeans' second wind. At one point, Polydamas takes Hector aside and suggests they step back and figure out some tactics. "Achilles is watching," he says, "and I don't know how much longer he'll sit by and just watch." Hector agrees, and he goes to find his captains. However, most of them are dead or injured. When he meets up with Paris,

[he] raked his brother with insults, stinging taunts:
"Paris, appalling Paris! Our prince of beauty--
mad for women, you lure them all to ruin!

Hector goes on to blame Paris for the fact that Troy will fall. Paris responds by saying, "Look, you're the one who led us into battle, not me. Also, on any other day, I'd agree with you, but today I'm a fighter. We are all courageous today." This placates Hector, who tries to break through the Achaean defenses. Great Ajax is all, "You may be strong, but so are we. We're not gonna give up!" Hector has a great response: "Enough of your blustering threats, you clumsy ox-- / what loose talk, what rant!" But so Hector charges, and the Achaeans brace themselves for the attack.

Nestor (still recovering in his tent from his wounds) hears all the war cries, so he goes outside to see what's up. Unfortunately, he doesn't have to go far to see the chaos, because the Trojans have pushed the Achaeans right against their ships. Nestor looks for Agamemnon. When he finds Ag, Ag asks him, "Why'd you abandon your post? Also, I'm worried about Hector." Nestor responds: "Yeah, we're in bad shape here. I don't think we should keep fighting -- we need to figure out a plan." Agamemnon agrees: "Our defenses won't hold, and Zeus wants us dead. So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna take all our ships and send them out to sea. Then, tonight, if the Trojans stop fighting, we'll sail back home."

But Odysseus doesn't like this plan. He's all, "Shut your mouth! This is how you want to end this war -- the war where we've lost so many lives? That's ridiculous. No one should suggest such a thing -- least of all you." Agamemnon is like, "Ouch, that hurt, buddy. But okay. Who has a better plan?" And Diomedes, like an enthusiastic child, is like, "Oooh! Oooh! Me! Me! I've got a plan!" Even though he's the youngest person there, he gives some background on his family so everyone will listen to him. He eventually gets to his suggestion: "We should keep fighting. There are people in the black lines we can spur on." Poseidon chimes in by sending a message to Agamemnon: "Fuck Achilles. He's heartless to just sit there and watch. The gods are pissed at him, not you. So keep fighting." Then Poseidon empowers the entire Achaean army.

Up on Olympus, Hera is happy to see Poseidon helping the Achaeans, but she doesn't know what to do about Zeus, so she decides to seduce him. She dresses up in her best attire and then asks Aphrodite for her power of love and seduction. Aphrodite's like, "Umm, why?" and Hera says, "Well, Zeus and my parents, Ocean and Mother Tethys, they haven't really... 'been intimate' with one another in a while. So I want to help them out." I think Aphrodite knows this is a lie, but she plays along anyway: "Okay, here you go," and she hands Hera a broach that'll give her the power of love and seduction.

Next, Hera visits Sleep and asks him to put Zeus to sleep after she's gone to bed with him. Sleep is like, "No way. The last time I put Zeus to sleep, he woke up and he was PISSED. I'm not doing that again." Hera responds: "Come on. If you do this, you can wed one of the Graces." Sleep likes this plan very much. He agrees to help Hera so long as he gets to marry Pasithea, a Grace he's apparently had eyes on for a while.

So Sleep and Hera return to Olympus. Like a Peeping Tom, Sleep hides in a tree, hidden from Zeus' view. Meanwhile, Hera visits Zeus. When he sees her approach, he immediately starts to feel lust. He asks her what she's doing there. Hera responds: "Oh, not much. Just gonna go visit Mom and Dad and try to get them to bone." And Zeus is like, "What's the rush? You can do that tomorrow. For now, how about WE bone?" In an odd move from the seduction playbook, Zeus then lists all of the other women who aren't Hera that he's slept with. At the end, he's like, "I want you more than I ever wanted any of those other chicks." But Hera's all coy: "Here? Now? What if one of the other gods see us? Let's go to your bedroom. We'll have more privacy there." And Zeus is like, "It's okay! I have this super impenetrable cloud thing. We're safe here!" So they go at it, and Sleep makes Zeus fall asleep.

As Sleep leaves Olympus to go back home, he swings by Poseidon and tells him the coast is clear. So Poseidon talks to the Achaean troops: "If we work together, we don't need Achilles!" Now it's the Achaeans with Poseidon versus the Trojans with Hector. They fight. At one point, Great Ajax hurls a boulder at Hector, which comes really close to killing him, but a bunch of Trojans come in to save him and take him back to Troy where he "crouched down on his knees to vomit dark clots." I think maybe he had a concussion from the boulder? Anyway, with Hector gone, the Achaeans push even harder.

Book 14 ends with the Achaeans gaining the upper hand thanks to Poseidon.