Here we are, a week later and a little more than halfway through the Iliad. I hope you've enjoyed these unconventional summaries. I very much enjoyed having Hera say, in the summary for Book 14, "[I'm] just gonna go visit Mom and Dad and try to get them to bone." 

Anyway, here we go, the last ten books in the poem. After that, I'll throw in some reflections on the poem as a whole. So let's get to it!

Book 15
Book 16
Book 17
Book 18
Book 19
Book 20
Book 21
Book 22
Book 23
Book 24
Reflections

Zeus finally wakes up and sees Poseidon leading the Achaeans. He turns to Hera and says, "You're behind this, aren't you?" and she's all 😐. Zeus continues: "Remember how I've tortured and tormented the other gods when they've pissed me off? Here, let me help you remember..." Hera's like, "What? Me? No, I didn't have anything to do with this. Poseidon totally did this on his own. If he had asked me, I would've told him to obey you." Zeus responds: "Okay, then, if you really mean it, go fetch Iris and Apollo. Iris will go to Poseidon and tell him to stop fighting, then Apollo can go down there and drive Hector back into battle. Also, let Patroclus fight and kill many men -- even my own son, Sarpedon. Then let Hector kill him so Achilles can rage. But until then -- until Achilles' prayer has been answered -- until then I'm the one who's gonna rage. No god can help the Achaeans."

Hera fetches Iris and Apollo. Zeus then gives them their orders. Iris visits Poseidon to deliver Zeus' message, and Poseidon responds: "What arrogance! The human world is split equally among me, him, and our bro Hades. So who does he think he is, threatening me? He can save all those threats for his children." Then Iris is like, "Ummmmm, are you sure you want me to deliver that message to Zeus?" and Poseidon's like, "Okay, okay, probably not. Fine, I'll stop helping. But let him know I'm angry."

With Poseidon gone, Zeus sends Apollo to Hector with the message to fight. When Apollo sees how far from the front line Hector is, he asks Hector what's up. And Hector says, "Look, I was doing great until Ajax threw a boulder at me." So Apollo rejuvenates Hector and sends him back into battle. When the Achaeans see Hector, they start to tremble in their boots. (Sandals? Whatever footwear the Achaeans wore.) The two sides fight. Again.

The Achaeans are pretty much at the end of the line -- they're up against their ships, which is the last line of defense they have. Patroclus watches all of this while sitting with Eurypylus. But when he hears the Trojans storm the Achaean wall, he's like, "I can't just sit here and watch. I've gotta go talk to Achilles."

Several Achaean soldiers try to attack/harm Hector, but Zeus protects Hector. Hector realizes he's got Zeus on his side, so he's spurred on even further. Ajax decides it's time for a morale-booster, so he tells his troops to fight as hard as they can. "What do you think Hector is doing with his troops over there?" he asks.

He's not inviting them to a dance, believe me--
he commands them into battle!

A tiny, unexpected moment of humor and levity. But Ajax ends his speech by saying it'd be better to die a quick, painful death now while they fight than a slow, even more painful death later, should they lose. The two sides continue to fight.

Zeus is patiently watching, waiting for the first Achaean ship to go up in flames. Once that happens, he'll give victory to the Achaeans. (Why? WHO KNOWS. Because he's fickle, I guess.) But until then, Zeus will back Hector, who, Homer mentions, will die soon.

But the Achaeans are standing firm and the Trojans can't break through. They manage to inch closer, step by step, but it's pretty much a stalemate at this point. Athena shines a bright light down so the Achaeans can see Hector and all of his troops. Hector's calling for his men to bring the fire, and Book 15 ends with the Trojans slowly advancing, fire in hand.

All of the fighting is happening around them as Patroclus returns to Achilles in tears. Achilles asks him why he's such a crybaby, to which Patroclus responds: "Spare me your sass. All of our friends are injured. If you're not gonna fight, then at least let me fight." Achilles says, "Okay. I can't fight until the carnage reaches my ship, but you can fight for me. Just promise me one thing: Don't go any further than the ships -- don't keep fighting in the plain, or to Troy. A god could come down and kill you." (Insert music that indicates not-so-subtle foreshadowing.)

Meanwhile, Great Ajax tries to stop Hector, but Ajax's sword breaks, which he takes as a sign that Zeus has favored the Trojans. Hector's troops set fire to the ships, and as soon as Achilles sees the flames he tells Patroclus to go. So Patroclus gears up and tells Automedon (Achilles' driver) to prepare the horses.

Also, unbeknownst to me, but I guess it's not just been Achilles who's been sitting out this whole time, but the entire 2,500-person army he brought with him. So he riles them up a bit and sends them off into battle, too. Alone, Achilles goes back to his tent and prays to Zeus to keep his men safe -- especially Patroclus. Homer mentions that Zeus listens, but only grants some of Achilles' wishes. Patroclus will kick ass, but he won't survive.

When Patroclus shows up for battle, the Trojans think it's Achilles, so they get scared. Patroclus pushes the Trojans back and puts out the fires. There's lots of fighting and killing and death. The Achaeans are definitely kicking ass. Ajax still has his sight on Hector, who, sensing that the tides have shifted, retreats. Patroclus keeps pushing forward -- he's midway between the ships and the big wall now -- and he's racking up the kills.

Sarpedon is tired of Patroclus' shit, so he decides to fight him one-on-one. Zeus turns to Hera and is like, "What should I do? Should I save Sarpedon, my son, or should I let him die?" Hera says, "Don't save him. If you save him, all of the other gods will want to save their sons, too. But you can ensure he has a nice, peaceful burial." Zeus resignedly agrees, and he cries tears of blood. 

Patroclus kills Sarpedon. Sarpedon's last words are to his pal Glaucus: "Fight for me!" But Glaucus is injured from when Teucer shot him in the arm, so Glaucus prays to Apollo: "If you're out there, please heal my wounds so I can avenge my friend's death." Apollo does so, then decides to stick around and help out the Trojans. Both sides fight over Sarpedon's corpse (literally and figuratively) until so many bodies have piled up over Sarpedon that no one can see him anymore.

Zeus is watching all of this very intensely, trying to figure out how best to kill Patroclus. The first step in his plan is to make Hector a coward. Thus, Hector tells his men to retreat. With the Trojans retreating, Patroclus finds Sarpedon's body and strips it of its armor. Zeus then sends Apollo down to take Sarpedon's corpse away, clean it up, and give it a proper burial. Apollo does so. 

Patroclus keeps pushing forward -- he's at the gates of Troy now. He rushes the gates a few times, but Apollo (back from his task with Sarpedon) blocks his advances. On Patroclus' fourth attempt, Apollo tells him to back the fuck up, so Patroclus does so. Then Apollo disguises himself as Asius and tells Hector to rush Patroclus. Apollo clears a path to Patroclus, and Hector rushes him.

Patroclus throws a rock at Hector's driver, Cebriones, killing him. Patroclus then taunts him, which only riles Hector up even more. Both sides fight over Cebriones' body (again, both literally and figuratively). The fighting continues through the afternoon. After Patroclus has killed another 27 people, Apollo decides to stop him by stripping him of his armor. A Trojan, Euphorbus, then throws a spear at Patroclus. It doesn't kill him, but it injures him pretty bad. Hector takes the opportunity to rush Patroclus and stabs him in the gut. Hector's then like, "You fool! You thought you could take my city from me?" and Patroclus responds: "Please. The gods got me first, and then Euphorbus. You came third. But don't worry -- your time will come soon, at the hands of Achilles." He dies, and book 16 ends with Hector heading for Achilles' driver, Automedon.

Menelaus comes in to protect Patroclus' corpse. He exchanges taunts with a Trojan named Euphorbus ("Get out of the way or I'll kill you!" and "Oh yeah? Well, not if I kill you first!" -- things like that), and then Menelaus kills Euphorbus. Apollo disguises himself as Menetes and goes up to Hector: "Yo, Menelaus just killed your best man." Hector is sad, and he gives a savage cry. When Menelaus hears this, he gets scared and retreats. When he gets back to the Achaeans, he finds Great Ajax and tells him that Hector took Achilles' armor from Patroclus, but that they could maybe still save Patroclus' body. So Menelaus and Ajax rush back to P's body. They come in right before Hector is about to cut off Patroclus' head. Hector runs away. Glaucus calls Hector a coward: "First you abandoned Sarpedon's body, and now Patroclus'? If we had Patroclus' body we could bargain to get Sapredon's body back. But noooooo, you were too scared to fight Ajax." Hector's like, "Oh, I'll show you who's the coward," and he tells his men to get ready to fight, then he puts on Achilles' armor.

Zeus, on Olympus, just shakes his head. "Poor dope. You won't be returning from battle." But Hector feels emboldened with Achilles' armor on, and he tells his troops that whoever retrieves Patroclus' body will get lots of wealth and glory. Meanwhile, the Achaeans gather all of their captains to defend Patroclus' body. The Trojans advance and push the Achaeans back a little. But then Ajax comes forward, and he scares the Trojans back. There's lots of fighting that happens over Patroclus' body (once again, both literally and figuratively). It's all very even, though -- any time one side makes a tiny advance, the other side pushes back. 

There's a tiny moment when we shift back to Achilles' perspective. He can't see the fighting, but he figures Patroclus is still alive. Then we're back to more fighting. At one point, Zeus sends Athena down to fire up the Achaeans. (Why? I have no idea. Zeus makes little sense to me. He's backing the Trojans until they reach the ships so Achilles can fight, but the Trojans haven't yet reached the ships, so I don't know why he's telling Athena to go down to back the Achaeans. ANYWAY.) Athena disguises herself as Phoenix. She goes up to Menelaus and says, "For shame! If the Trojans get Patroclus' body, you'll be ashamed forever. So fight!" Menelaus says, "I would, I would. If only Athena could help me out." Athena, happy to hear the shout-out, grants Menelaus some power.

Menelaus goes in to fight, and he kills Hector's drinking buddy, Podes. More fighting. After a while, Ajax says, "This is no good. Zeus clearly favors the Trojans. If only we could let Achilles know Patroclus is dead..." Then, in a cunning move (I think it's a cunning move, anyway), Ajax asks Zeus to remove the dark cloud that's been covering them so that the Achaeans can die in daylight. Zeus complies, and Ajax tells Menelaus to use the light to find Antilochus so he can send him to Achilles.

Menelaus finds Antilochus and is like, "You must realize we're pretty fucked. Go tell Achilles that Patroclus is dead and he can still save the body if he hurries." Antilochus, in tears, runs off. Menelaus rejoins Ajax over Patroclus' body. They try to carry it off, but the Trojans pounce on them.

Antilochus races to Achilles, who's worried about his friends. "Why are the Achaeans back against the ships again?" he wonders. He also senses that Patroclus is dead. When Antilochus delvers the news, Achilles is devastated. His grief affects all those around him, plus his mom, Thetis. And her grief affects all those around her. She decides to visit Achilles and ask him what's wrong. (I feel like she knows why he's sad, but she's playing like she doesn't know.) Achilles tells her that Patroclus is dead and that he's gonna make Hector pay. She reminds him that his own death will occur shortly after Hector's, but Achilles responds: "Just let me die! I'm useless! I'm gonna find Hector and kill him -- don't try to convince me otherwise." Thetis says okay, but she tells him not to fight until she comes back with some primo armor for him. Then she runs off to talk with Hephaestus, maker of said primo armor.

Meanwhile, the Achaeans are, indeed, back up against the ships. Hector doesn't show any sign of giving up. He'd have taken Patroclus' body, too, if it weren't for Hera sending Iris down to Achilles: "Go! Defend Patroclus' body! Otherwise, it's your loss of honor!" Achilles is like, "Who sent you?" and Iris is like, "Hera. But Zeus and the other gods don't know." So Achilles tells Iris: "Mom told me not to fight until she came back. Besides, whose armor would I wear?" Iris tells him to go out as himself -- the Trojans will be so scared they won't attack. So he goes outside and gives this epic cry that makes the Trojans scared. Oh, right -- and Athena has a column of fire spring from his head. So that intimidates the Trojans, too.

Achilles gives three massive cries/shouts, and the Trojans scatter. The Achaeans grab Patroclus' body. Achilles comes up beside the body, in grief. The sun sets, and it's the end of fighting for that day.

The Trojans are too scared to eat or rest, so they meet up to figure out a plan. Polydamas says, "Let's retreat back to the city. We're sitting ducks out here once Achilles decides to fight, so let's make him fight us on our turf, not his." Hector responds: "Polydamas, shut up. Zeus has decided to hand me glory and you want us to retreat?! No way. Tonight we feast and tomorrow we fight. And if that really was Achilles, then I'll take him on myself." The Trojans agree with Hector, not Polydamas.

As for the Achaeans, Achilles leads them in a eulogy for Patroclus: "I promised Patroclus' dad I'd bring Patroclus home alive. But I couldn't do that, and now I will die here. Patroclus, I won't bury you until I bring back Hector's head." Then they wash Patroclus' body and wounds. 

On Olympus, Zeus turns to Hera and says, "Are you happy now? You got what you wanted." She responds by saying, "Look, I couldn't NOT destroy the Trojans..." which sets off an argument between the two. While they bicker, Thetis visits Hephaestus. He asks her how he can help, and she explains the situation before asking him to make her son some new armor. Hephaestus says, "Man, I wish I could prevent Achilles' death. But as it is, I'll make him the best damn armor ever." So he gets to work. Things get weird here, because Homer spends four pages describing the intricate world Hephaestus forges onto the shield he's making. Hephaestus is basically God, and he's creating the world -- the land, the oceans, the people, the cities, war. Everything from the real world, all the details of each person, those are somehow put onto this shield. It must be a fucking huge shield, is all I gotta say. Anyway, after four pages describing the shield, Homer uses 5 lines to mention that Hep also make a breastplate, helmet, and greaves. Thetis takes the gear, then leaves.

Dawn comes, and Thetis arrives with Achilles' armor. She tells him to tear himself away from Patroclus' body and fight. Achilles looks at the gear, realizes it's the work of a god, and agrees to fight. But he's worried about Patroclus' body decomposing. Thetis says she'll keep Patroclus' body safe from flies and worms.

The Achaean army is in bad shape -- pretty much everyone is injured. Achilles addresses them: "Can you believe all this was over a girl? Enough, I say. I'll stop being angry with you all. Let's do this -- I wanna kill some Trojans." The crowd cheers. Then Agamemnon addresses everyone: "Listen up, folks. Zeus and the Fates are really the ones to blame -- they made me act crazy. After all, Ruin can affect anyone -- even the gods. And when Hector started killing my men, well, that's when I realized that I, too, had been blinded by Ruin. I want to fix this. Achilles, I'll give you all of the gifts I promised you before." Achilles responds: "Yeah, yeah, cool, whatever. We can do that later. For now, let's fight some Trojans!" Then Odysseus interjects: "Whoa, slow down there, hosscat. Our men are hungry, and we have a big fight ahead of us. Let them eat. Also, let Agamemnon bring the gifts here -- it'll make you and the men happy. Then both of you can make amends in front of everyone." Agamemnon's all, "Great plan, Odysseus! Wait here, everyone, while I send some people to fetch all the treasure. And the ladies. Don't think I forgot about all those ladies." But Achilles insists that he wants to fight now, that he doesn't have an appetite (for food, anyway -- he's certainly hungry to slaughter some Trojans).

Odysseus says, "Achilles, you're a better fighter than me, but I'm older and wiser, so listen up: Our men need to eat, otherwise they won't have any energy to kill the Trojans." He then leads a team to Agamemnon's tent to gather the treasure + women. When they return, Agamemnon publicly swears that he never slept with Briseis. Achilles says that Zeus must've orchestrated all of this to kill a bunch of Achaeans. Then everyone goes back to their ships to feast and rest. When Briseis sees Patroclus' body, she weeps. "You were always kind to me," she says to his body. "You promised me that Achilles would marry me one day." All the women mourn while the men try to get Achilles to eat, but he's not having it. He spends more time beside Patrcolus' body. He says, "I'm so sick of missing you. Not even hearing of my dad or son's death would affect me so. You were supposed to make it home."

Zeus sees all the Achaeans are sad, so he sends Athena to Achilles to stave him of his hunger. She does so, then returns to Olympus. The army gets ready to fight. Achilles gears up in Hephaestus' armor. The last thing he grabs is the giant spear that only he can lift.

Achilles hops in his chariot and tells his horses to bring him back from battle alive. Hera then responds through the horses (yes -- I'm pretty sure the horses are supposed to be taking here): "Sure thing. But your death is soon at hand." Then Achilles is all, "Why you gotta remind me of that? I know I'll die here. But I won't stop until the Trojans have had their fill of fighting." Then he goes off to war.

As the Achaeans prepare by the ships, Zeus gathers all the gods together. Even Poseidon shows up, asking, "Why'd you call us here?" Zeus responds: "So hey, feel free to go down there and help whichever side you want. Without our help, Achilles will destroy the Trojans, and he might even topple Troy. So get down there and do what you have to do." Hera, Athena, Poseidon, Hermes, and Hephaestus go down to the Achaean side, while Ares, Apollo, Artemis, Leto, and Aphrodite go down to the Trojan side.

The Trojans are scared to see Achilles approach. Poseidon shakes the earth. It's pretty epic.

Apollo, disguising himself as Lycaon, goes up to Aeneas and says, "Where are all those threats you made over drinks with the king? The ones when you said you could take Achilles one-on-one?" Aeneas responds: "Man, why you gotta bring that up? Look, I've faced Achilles before, and the only reason I survived is because Zeus saved me. Achilles might be tough, but we can take him if we have Zeus' support." Apollo, as Lycaon, then says, "Well, why don't you ask the gods for help, then? Go attack him straight-on!" 

Aeneas charges toward Achilles. Hera sees this and sends Poseidon and Athena to help Achilles: "Let Achilles know we have his back -- he won't die here today." Then, in a strange move, narrative-wise, Poseidon basically decides to call time-out and stop fighting. He says to Hera, "Why should we help him? Our side is so much stronger than their side. If they try to stop Achilles from fighting, okay, then I'll jump in. Otherwise, let's just watch." So Poseidon's out.

(Dear Homer: This is an awesome moment you've built up to. The gods coming down en mass to fight in the war is truly epic. I was looking forward to seeing them combat one another. Why, then, Homer, did you have Poseidon sit out??? Give us the good stuff, man!

Sincerely,
Brian)

I guess Poseidon inspires some other gods to sit out, too, so they're all basically on the sidelines watching while Achilles and Aeneas meet. Achilles is rabid to fight. He says to Aeneas, "Why are you foolish enough to fight me? Don't you remember the last time we met? Zeus won't save you now. So run -- or I'll kill you." Aeneas shoots back: "Don't try to scare me with your words. I'm well-versed in taunts. We both have mothers who are immortal, and one of them will mourn their son today." Then he goes into a long backstory of his family history. At the end of his spiel, he's like, "But enough talk! Let's fight!" 

Aeneas hurls a spear, but Achilles' gigantic shield blocks it. Achilles then throws his spear, but Aeneas dodges it. Achilles draws his sword while Aeneas picks up a boulder. Then, Poseidon, ever the killjoy, says, "I feel bad for Aeneas. He's totally gonna die, and all because he listened to Apollo. But Apollo won't save him. Aeneas is a good dude, and he's not fated to die here. So let's save him." Hera, probably feeling as surprised and disappointed as I was in this moment, is like, "Do whatever you want, but me and Athena swore never to save a Trojan's life."

Poseidon rushes down to earth and puts Achilles in a daze, which makes him drop his spear. He also sends Aeneas flying way to the back of the Trojan lines. There, Poseidon chastises him: "Fool! Don't fight Achilles unless you want to die!" 

When Achilles wakes up from his daze, he's like, "Hmm... What just happened? Oh well. There are plenty of other Trojans to kill!" He tells his troops to get ready and fight, while Hector tells his troops to get ready and fight. Apollo, I guess having learned his lesson with Aeneas, tells Hector: "Not so fast, buddy. Go to the back lines or else Achilles will kill you," so Hector retreats. But not Achilles. He's here to rage.

Achilles starts picking people off left and right. At one point he kills Hector's youngest brother, Polydorus. When Hector sees that, he can't take it anymore -- he charges at Achilles. Achilles thinks, "This is it! The moment I've waited for!" and shouts to Hector, "Come at me, bro!" Hector, mirroring Aeneas' words from earlier, says, "Don't try to intimidate me with your words. I might be weaker than you, but my weapon can still hurt you." 

Hector throws a spear, but Athena blows the spear back to Hector so that it lands at his feet. Achilles then charges, but Apollo clouds Hector in a mist so that Achilles can't find him. Achilles says to Hector, "Apollo saved you this time, but you won't be so lucky next time." Then he turns his attention to any Trojan he can find. There's a whole page of carnage. Here are some highlights:

Achilles slit open his liver,
the liver spurted loose, gushing with dark blood,
drenched his lap and the night swirled down his eyes
as his life breath slipped away.

...[Achilles] jammed his lance through the man's ear
so the lance came jutting out through the other ear,
bronze point glinting.

...Achilles chopped his neck
and his sword sent head and helmet flying off together
and marrow bubbling up from the clean-cut neckbone.

That last one really gets me. Anyway, Achilles is basically invincible, which is how book 20 ends.

Achilles' rush splits the Trojans into two groups. The first group runs back to Troy, while the second group gets trapped in the Xanthus river. Xanthus is also a god, so it's like he's a river but he's also a god. A talking river, maybe? Something like that. Anyway, back in Book 20, when the gods backed whichever side they wanted, Xanthus chose to fight for the Trojans.

Achilles jumps into the river and goes to town. After killing a shit ton of men, he meets Lycaon, one of Priam's children, whom he (Achilles) had captured long ago. Apparently, Lycaon just made it back to Troy twelve days ago. He begs Achilles to spare his life, but Achilles is like, "Shut up, fool. Before Patroclus died, I took pride in saving Trojans' lives. Now? Not so much." He kills Lycaon and throws his body into the river.

Xanthus is getting angrier the more Achilles rages, so Xanthus emboldens Asteropaeus to rush Achilles. Achilles is like, "Who the fuck are you?" and Asteropaeus responds: "What's it matter? Let's fight." Asteropaeus throws two spears: one hits Achilles' shield and does nothing, but the second one grazes his right arm. Achilles, super pissed, throws his spear, but he misses. While Asteropaeus tries to take Achilles' spear (it's not budging since no one can lift it besides Achilles), Achilles comes up and kills him. Achilles kills another seven men before Xanthus says, "Stop! If you must slaughter Trojans, do it on the plains, not the river. I'm getting clogged with corpses. Please stop." Achilles is actually pretty cool about this: "Okay. But I'm not gonna stop killing Trojans until I get Hector."

Xanthus then chastises Apollo: "WTF?! Zeus told you to stand by and protect the Trojans -- where were you?" When Achilles hears this (somehow -- I'm not really sure how he hears this, but he does), he jumps back into the river. Xanthus then ejects all the dead bodies and sends a killer wave toward Achilles. It destroys the bank, but Achilles makes it out and starts running away. However, the river/wave is catching up with him. Achilles shouts to the sky: "Isn't there a single god that'll help me? I'm not supposed to die like this...."

Poseidon and Athena come down to help Achilles. Poseidon tells him: "Here's some advice: Don't stop fighting until you've trapped the Trojans in Troy. But once you kill Hector, return to the ships." They leave, but the river is now flooding, spreading everywhere. Achilles keeps running forward. 

Xanthus is getting angrier and angrier, so he calls on his brother, another river, to create a deluge to stop Achilles. "We'll drown him," Xanthus says. "I'll bury him so deep that the Achaeans will never find his body." The river starts to seethe or boil or something. Hera sends Hephaestus (the god of fire) down to combat the river: "Go set some fires and I'll use the wind to spread them. Don't stop until I give the word." So Hephaestus burns the plains, which parches the land, then sends an inferno toward the river. The fire drains Xanthus of strength, and he asks Hephaestus to stop. Then he asks Hera why she's doing this. She doesn't answer, she just tells Hephaestus to stop with the fire.

But they've kind of opened up pandora's box: It's full-fledged god-on-god fighting, and Zeus is loving it as much as I am. Ares rushes Athena. She blocks his attack, then hurls a boulder at him. The boulder

struck his neck,
loosed his limbs, and down he crashed and out over seven acres
sprawled the enormous god and his mane dragged in the dust...

Athena says to him: "Fool! Hera plotted behind your back because you defended the Trojans." Aphrodite comes to take Ares away, but when Hera sees this she sends Athena after her:

Athena's heart leapt high, she charged at Aphrodite,
overtook her and beat her breasts with clenched fists.

(To which I wrote "Oh my" in the margin.) Athena then says, "Anyone who helps the Trojans is going down like these two." Poseidon then challenges Apollo to a fight: "Apollo, do you remember that time we worked here? We built the wall around Troy, but then we were robbed of our wages. And now you want to defend these dingdongs?" Apollo says, "I'd be crazy to fight you. Come, let's let the mortals sort this out on their own."

Apollo leaves, but his sister, Artemis, teases him: "Coward! Why even carry a bow around if it's worthless? You're not allowed to brag amongst the gods anymore." Hearing this enrages Hera: "Bitch, please! You don't want to take me on, trust me. But if you'd like a lesson--" and Hera strips Artemis of her bow and boxes her ears. Artemis runs off in tears.

Hermes says to Leto, "Yeah, I'm not gonna fight you. You can tell everyone you beat me." So Leto takes Artemis' bow and runs after her. Artemis goes to Zeus and cries. He asks her what's wrong. Artemis explains what Hera did.

While all the other gods slowly return to Olympus, Apollo enters Troy with dread. Achilles slaughters on and on and on. Priam sees Achilles approaching: "Keep the gates open until our troops make it back in, then we can close the gates." So they open up the gates and the Trojans come flooding in. Apollo sends Agenor at Achilles. He's scared, but Agenor throws a spear at Achilles. Achilles blocks with his shield, and then Apollo (as he is wont to do) whisks Agenor away in a mist. Book 21 ends with the Trojans fleeing into the city.

The Trojans rest briefly while the Achaeans close in. Hector is at the front of the line. Achilles rushes toward the city. Priam, high up in a tower somewhere, sees Achilles approach and shouts to Hector: "Don't just stand there, you dope! Achilles will kill you! Come back in the gates!" Then he goes on a separate soliloquy: "Woe is me. I have an awful fate, along with my sons and daughters. To be young and die in war -- that's normal. But to be old and die in war -- that's a cruel sight." He then tears out pieces of his hair. Next, Hecuba tries to persuade Hector: "Pity me, son! Fight Achilles inside these walls, if you must fight him at all. Otherwise, you'll die." But Hector doesn't move. He thinks, "If I go back now, I'll never hear the end of it from Polydamas. [Polydamas is the dude, a couple books ago, who suggested they retreat to Troy in the middle of the night, but Hector nixed that plan.] It's better for me to die fighting Achilles -- there's glory in that. I guess we'll see who Zeus really favors."

But right before Achilles reaches Hector, Hector runs for his life. He runs, and Achilles chases after him. They run around Troy three times (!). Zeus, watching all of this, says, "I feel bad for Hector. So what's it gonna be, gods? Do we save him, or do we let him die?" Athena is all, "Father! The audacity! If you save Hector now, none of the gods will ever praise you!" to which Zeus is like, "j/k! j/k! Go, Athena, do what you must." 

Athena goes down and says to Achilles, "This is it! No one can save Hector now. I'll go persuade him to fight you face-to-face." Achilles stops running while Athena disguises herself as Deiphobus, one of Hector's brothers. She comes up to Hector and says, "Hey bro! Let's take on Achilles together." Hector's like, "Bro! Respect for being brave enough to come out and help me." Athena responds: "I felt so bad watching you run around Troy like in some silly Scooby Doo bit. So come on, let's go face Achilles."

Hector stops running and approaches Achilles. He says, "Okay! Let's do this! But first, promise me that, if I lose, you'll give my body back to Troy. I'll do the same for you, if you lose." Achilles isn't having it: "Me? Make a pact with you? No way. Come on, let's fight -- you're done for." Achilles throws his spear, but misses. It's okay, though -- Athena grabs it and brings it back to him. Hector then taunts him: "You missed! Maybe you aren't so tough after all -- maybe you're all talk. Well, I'm not gonna run away now." Hector throws his spear, but Achilles' shield blocks it like nothing even hit it. Then Hector asks Deiphobus for a lance, but he sees that Deiphobus has disappeared. "Shit," he thinks. "Athena duped me. I guess it's my time to die. But I'm not going down without a fight." He pulls out a sword and slashes at Achilles. Achilles blocks with his massive shield then draws his spear. However, Hector is covered head-to-toe in Achilles' armor, so he doesn't know where to hit him. Finally, Achilles spots a tiny area of Hector's neck that's exposed, so he jams his spear in there. Hector falls.

Achilles says, "Betcha didn't think this would happen when you stole my armor, huh?" Hector says, "Please let my body go back to Troy," and Achilles is like, "You're lucky I'm not cutting you to pieces and eating your flesh. No amount of gold would make me give your body back to Troy." Then Hector shrugs his shoulders (well, no, probably not because he has a spear lodged in his throat, but I imagine him shrugging his shoulders anyway) and says, "I figured. Oh well. Beware your own death at the gates--" and Hector dies mid-sentence. To which Achilles is like, "Die, motherfucker! I'll gladly meet my own death."

The other Achaean troops then come up and each one stabs Hector. Achilles, probably amped up on adrenaline, says, "Let's go fight the other Trojans now! But wait -- my buddy Patroclus. I haven't forgotten about you. Let's take Hector's body back to the ships." So he ties Hector's body to his chariot and returns to the ships, dragging Hector's body behind. Hecuba screams when she sees Achilles do this. Priam wants to rush the gates: "Let me talk to Achilles. Maybe I can reason with him." Hector's wife, Andromache, still doesn't know the news. She's weaving and asks the servants to get a bath ready for Hector when he returns. That's when she hears the cries of grief and knows it must be about Hector.

She rushes to the tower, sees Achilles dragging Hector's body, and faints. When she comes to, she says, "I wish I had never been born. Our son's life is ruined. And he used to be such a happy boy..." All the women wail in grief.

The Achaeans return to their ships, and everyone mourns Patroclus' death. Then they feast. Agamemnon fetches Achilles and brings him over. He tries to get Achilles to wash his wounds, but Achilles says, "No, not until I put Patroclus on his pyre. Let's do that first thing tomorrow morning." He eats, then he goes to the shore, alone. He falls asleep and the ghost of Patroclus visits him, saying, "Bury me quickly, Achilles. I'm stuck in purgatory until then. I do have one request: Bury my bones with yours so we can lie together for eternity." Achilles is all, "Of course! Now give me a hug," but when he goes to hug Patroclus' ghost, the apparition disappears. 

In the morning, Agamemnon sends some men to gather timber for the pyre. They cut down giant trees and return with timber for Patroclus' body. They conduct the burial ceremony. Near the end, Achilles tries to light the pyre, but it won't catch. He prays to the winds to stoke the flames. Iris takes the message to the West and North winds, and they comply. The pyre burns all night. Achilles cries. 

When dawn arrives, the flames finally die down and Achilles goes to sleep. He's awoken when Agamemnon's troops approach him. Achilles gives them orders for the handling of Patroclus' ashes. Then he gathers the army for a series of funeral games. He supplies the prizes for each of the events himself. 

Achilles acts pretty arrogant when he announces the start of the games: "If these games were for anyone else, I'd participate, and you know I'd smoke all of y'all. But lucky for you, I'm not participating. Now take your positions!"

The first event is a chariot race: Antilochus, Eumelus, Menelaus, Meriones, and Diomedes all volunteer. Nestor gives Antilochus some advice / a pep talk since Antilochus has the slowest horses. But so they're off, and after the first turn, it's neck-and-neck between Eumelus and Diomedes until Apollo knocks the reins out of Diomedes' hands. Athena sees this, and she returns Diomedes his whip, then she sends Eumelus flying from his chariot. 

Menelaus and Antilochus are also neck-and-neck for second place. Nestor threatens to kill Antilochus' horses if they don't step it up. The horses (whom apparently understand Greek) step it up. At one point, the path narrows -- it's only wide enough for one chariot -- but Antilochus comes up beside Menelaus, who's all, "You're crazy, dude!" That just drives Antilochus on even more. Menelaus eventually relents -- he slows down and lets Antilochus ahead of him. 

Results: Diomedes comes in first, followed by Antilochus, then Menelaus, then Meriones, and finally Eumelus. Achilles tries to cheer Eumelus up by giving him Antilochus' second-place prize: a mare. "Ummm.... what??!" Antilochus asks, feeling as confused as I was at this point. "If you pity him," Antilochus continues, "then give him some other prize, but don't give him my mare. I want that mare. He'll have to fight me for her." Achilles laughs and then says, "Okay, I'll give him another prize. How about that fancy armor I took from Asteropaeus? Will that do?" and Eumelus is like, "Yes, please!!!"

Meanwhile, Menelaus is pissed at Antilochus for driving like a maniac: "Dude! I know you deliberately boxed me out earlier." Antilochus responds: "It's true! You know how kids are -- reckless. But look -- I'll give you my prize, okay? We cool?" Menelaus is like, "You can keep your prize -- we're cool. Just be more careful next time."

With the 5th place prize unclaimed (since Eumelus got the sweet armor instead), Achilles gives that prize to Nestor, and Nestor has a teary-eyed moment when he reflects on his past when he was young and fast and strong. He thanks Achilles for the gift. 

Next event: Boxing. Epeus volunteers, promising to destroy whoever fights him. No one else volunteers, until finally Euryalus rises to the occasion. Sure enough, Epeus knocks Euryalus out.

The third event is wrestling. Great Ajax and Odysseus volunteer. They are very evenly matched. In fact, they're so evenly matched, the crowd gets bored watching them wrestle. Eventually, Achilles declares them both winners, and tells them to share their prizes, which is kind of odd since one of the prizes is a woman...

The fourth event is a foot race. Little Ajax, Odysseus, and Antilochus volunteer. Ajax shoots ahead, but Odysseus is close behind. He asks Athena for help. And like Biff from Back to the Future,

Ajax slipped at a dead run -- Athena tripped him up --
right where the dung lay slick from bellowing cattle
the swift runner Achilles slew in Patroclus' honor.
Dung stuffed his mouth, his nostrils dripped muck.

Odysseus wins, yet Ajax still comes in second. I'm not sure how Antilochus still came in third after Ajax slips in a pile of shit, but whatever. 

The fifth event is a sword duel. Great Ajax and Diomedes volunteer. They start to go at it, but everyone is scared that one of them will seriously harm the other, so they shout to stop the fight. Achilles grants them both winners.

The sixth event is to see who can throw a giant lump of iron the farthest. Winner gets to keep the giant lump of iron -- enough iron for five years. Polypoetes, Great Ajax, Epeus, and Leonteus all volunteer, but Polypoetes destroys the competition.

The seventh event (this is a fucking long chapter, and these games just keep dragging on....) is archery. Achilles ties a dove to a pole (or something) and Teucer and Meriones volunteer. Teucer shoots first. He misses the dove, but he hits the tether tying it down. The dove flies off, but Meniones quickly draws his bow and shoots it mid-flight. Everyone is amazed. 

The eighth event is spear-throwing. Agamemnon, Idomeneus, and Meriones volunteer, but Achilles is like, "Agamemnon, we all know you're the best spear thrower. Here, take the first-place prize." And that's how Book 23 ends.

The games are over, and everyone's returned to their ships to eat and sleep. Everyone, that is, except Achilles. He can't sleep -- he keeps thinking of memories of Patroclus. So he decides to walk the shore until dawn, then he drags Hector's corpse around Patroclus' tomb three times. Apollo protects Hector's body from getting damaged. Pretty much all the gods besides Hera, Athena, and Poseidon pity Hector by this point.

Twelve days after Hector's death, Apollo addresses the gods: "Y'all are some cold-hearted motherfuckers. Hector was a good dude, but you're gonna help that asshole Achilles instead? Who does he think he is, anyway?" To which Hera admits, "Yes, yes, you're right this has gone on for too long. But Achilles descends from the gods -- Hector does not." Zeus then tells Hera and Apollo not to fight. He asks someone to fetch Thetis so he can tell her to tell Achilles to return Hector's body.

Iris visits Thetis, Thetis follows Iris to Olympus. Zeus: "Thetis, I know your grief well, but for nine days [9 days! There's the number 9 again!] the gods have been arguing over what to do with Hector's body. So go to Achilles and tell him to return Hector's body. I'll also send Iris to Priam and tell him to pay a ransom."

So Thetis visits Achilles. She asks him, "How long are you gonna be like this? You won't be alive for much longer, so wouldn't you like to, I don't know, sleep with a woman? But look, Zeus and the gods are mad at you, so ransom Hector's body." Achilles is all, "Okay, if that's what Zeus wants."

Zeus then sends Iris to Priam. He wants Priam to know that he should visit Achilles alone, but that Achilles won't kill him. Iris delivers the message. Priam asks Hecuba what he should do. Hecuba's like, "Are you crazy??!! Don't go there -- Achilles will totally kill you! All we can do is sit here and mourn Hector's death." Priam still wants to go, though: "It was a god who told me to go, not some schmo." So he loads up his chariot with treasure -- some of his most prized possessions, that's how badly he wants Hector's body back. Before he leaves, he's pretty dismissive toward his sons who are still alive. He's like, "I wish all of you had died instead of Hector. He was the only good son I had. You're all disgraces." Then he's off.

Zeus sends Hermes down to ensure Priam gets to Achilles' place safely. Hermes disguises himself as an Achaean soldier, but he tells Priam that he won't hurt him. Hermes gets Priam through the Achaean troops safely. Right before they get to Achilles' place, Hermes is like, "Surprise! Its me, Hermes. I won't be going any further, but go beg Achilles -- you can change his mind."

Priam sneaks into Achilles' place and runs up to him, clasping him by the knees. "Think of your father, Achilles! He must be as old as I am. See things from my perspective: I had 50 sons at the start of this war, but the one I loved the most is the one you killed. It's for him that I've come to you. Think of your father, Achilles..." This makes Achilles sad, and he and Priam both spend some time crying. Then Achilles says, "You were brave to come here, Priam. Sit beside me. Let's put our grief to rest. Crying over Hector won't bring him back." But Priam is like, "Look, I just want my son's body. Take this ransom." Achilles responds: "Don't make me angry, old man. I've already decided to give you back your son. But don't stir my rage -- I might kill you."

Priam gets scared, then Achilles busts out the door. He tells the women to wash Hector's body, then he lets Priam see Hector. "Your son is yours again," Achilles says to him. "But for now, let's eat." So they feast. Then Priam is like, "It's time for bed. I haven't slept since Hector died." Achilles orders his men to make some beds. Then he says to Priam, "Sleep, my friend. Also: How much time do you need to bury Hector's body? I'll hold off on attacking for that long." Priam says twelve days, to which Achilles says, "You got it." He shakes Priam's hand, then goes to bed with Briseis. 

Everyone is fast asleep, except for Hermes. He's worried about how he's going to get Priam out of the Achaean camp come morning. So he goes up to Priam and whispers in his ear: "Are you really safe here? What if they decide to kidnap you and hold you for ransom?" Priam wakes up and they bolt back to Troy. Once Priam gets to the river Xanthus, Hermes lets them go on their own. 

Cassandra, one of Priam's daughters, sees Priam returning with Hector's body. She lets out a scream that wakes up the entire city. Everyone rushes outside to meet Priam when he arrives. Priam tells people to get out of the way. They take Hector's body and place it on his bed. His wife, Andromache, goes up beside him: "You're dead, and our city will fall. Our son is fucked -- he's gonna have a rough life -- but I will be the one who bears the brunt of the horror." Hecuba comes up next: "Hector, I finally have you with me now." And last is Helen: "I've been here twelve years, but I never once heard a taunt or insult from you. You always defended me. Now there's no one left who will treat me kindly."

Priam then tells his people to gather timber. They spend nine days (9 days!) gathering timber, before setting Hector's body on the pyre. They collect his bones. They bury Hector. And that, my friends, is

THE END*

*Except not really, because the war isn't over and Achilles is still alive, but whatever.

It's been four years since I read the Iliad, but here's what I remember about the epic poem as a whole: It was surprisingly boring. All of the fighting became very repetitive, and the constant shift in power between the Achaeans and the Trojans was more frustrating than interesting. Also, the gods were extremely fickle -- especially Zeus. I often didn't understand the justification behind their actions. It seems like they act whenever it's convenient for the plot, not out of any kind of reason or character.

Another thing that struck me as odd about the Iliad is the condensed nature of time. Considering how long the poem is, I figured it would span the entire Trojan War -- all nine or ten years of it. But instead it really focuses on just a few days of fighting. And even then it's not like these are the last few days of the war. I mean, sure, with Hector dead at the end it implies that Troy is basically done for, but there's no real resolution by the end. Maybe there were another few books that somehow got lost in antiquity?

Overall, the Odyssey is a much more interesting piece of literature. The picaresque structure is way more engrossing because you follow one character, Odysseus, as he visits different locations and escapes several different foes. Odysseus has a clearly defined "want" (to get home), and that's what moves the plot forward. There's tension both from Odysseus' belabored journey home as well as the male suitors camped in Penelope's courtyard. Basically, it's a story, and it has all the elements of a good story. However, the Iliad didn't really feel like a story. It was more of a history with bits of magic sprinkled in.

Overall, I give the Iliad 2.5 stars out of 5.